I'm feeling a bit of the blues lately. Not a "no-reason" blues. My blues are always typically due to something. Some thing or lack of some thing. Right now, I'm lacking financial freedom, and confidence in my abilities to manage my schoolwork. Because I am a full-time student and mom, living in a one income family, I have little extra money in my budget for "things". Bella ofcourse is our first priority and is always dressed to the nines and we make sure she has everything she needs, such as snowsuits, and fancy boots, and hair clips and healthy snacks. Yet me, I'm worse for wear lately. I have not bought myself anything since September (it feels like...I could be wrong). My hair needs some serious curl cream, or conditioner. And not the drugstore stuff that I've become accustomed to. I've become this living breathing budget monster, who will do everything in her power to avoid straying from the spreadsheet column alloted amount. Expensive curl cream doesn't make the cut unfortunately.
School on the other hand is a little out of control this semester. My study schedule requires me to read over 200 pages (of text readable only by an ant) a day, while also managing to make some pretty decent and semi-coherent philosophical or property law ramblings for our class discussions. When in the day will my two year old allow me to read 200 pages? During the one nap a day that she takes, which lately seems more of a hope than a reality? I'm also having a hard time even understanding what I'm reading. It's taxing on the brain. Especially when sometimes, I just want to watch the Bachelor. My only time to really get down and dirty with my books is at 8pm. Problem is, shows like the Bachelor call to me...I hear "watch me, watch me in all my mind numbing goodness and glory!". And that Ben, swoon!
In addition to not having curl cream and wasting study time watching crap tv, we've had some pretty dramatic things happen to us that have set us back a little financially. After going through the tumolt of unexpected events, I ended up applying for a job on Friday, and already have an interview. And therefore, I'm debating dropping one of my courses. Seems like the right decision right now. I don't want to go through another semester of power mom, power student, power employee minus power me. I kind of want to have a little bit of breathing room to do things for myself this semester. Like put make-up on for once and maybe lace up those runners for their actual alleged purpose.
Although this week has brought a ton of upset, today was pretty awesome. We received excellent news that made us have a lengthy family hug last night. Okay, that wasn't today but it set the scene for today. We woke up with a huge weight off of our shoulders. Victor let me sleep in even though he has a pretty bad cold. We then scored major deals at the grocery store, $109 for one week people! That includes cheese and toilet paper y'all! We typically spend at least $200 a week, so that was pretty sweet. Wow, that's about it and I just realized that grocery shopping was my major excitement for the day. But I'll take anything I can get at this point since my life has become neverending books and budgets.
Oh and Bella sang us a three minute song today while playing the piano. It was insanely cute. I intended to post it but want to shorten it a bit since it tends to go on and has me (cringe) singing and my mother-in-law rambling on about wanting to learn to play the accordion when she was younger, but her mother who had a lot of money apparently wouldn't let her. Whew, take a breath! Great times.
Hopefully the next post is a little less blue and complain-y.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
A cautionary tale
Sometimes I complain a lot. Or too much maybe. Today my complaint is that our place would be cleaner if it weren't for my husband. It's terrible, I know. But truthfully, that extra dish, that jacket on the chair, papers about terminal systems and collective agreements on the table, the shoes askew at the front door, the keys beside the key bowl? They wouldn't be there if it were just me and my girl. But then I think, but also, all those balanced meals wouldn't be made if it weren't for him. The garbage would remain inside rotting. That deep voice comforting me when I need it. Or just making me laugh at something silly like bum massages when I'm moodish. He sits now with Bella watching Toy Story (for the hundred billionth time) and feeding her a delicious rapini, tomato pasta made especially and with his sure hands. Laughing at the jokes in the movie when he could probably recite the movie in his sleep.
I've been talking to him about creating unneccary fears in Bella. Like now, when we go down to the parkade, she cries and wants to be held while we walk to the car. Victor has said to her in his deeper than deep voice "it's dangerous, the cars, so BE CAREFUL". Then upset when she starts running for the car. That loud "no!". And now, she's associated running in the parkade with the loud no of his voice. I get upset because I want that fearlessness to remain for as long as possible. And maybe because it's a quality I admire in people. Unsafe, yes. But beautiful? Yes. I want her to be cautionary, not scared of things. And so I tell her to listen for cars when we open the door to the parkade, then walk slowly. "Don't be afraid", I say.
I understand where he's coming from. Old school European roots of fear from birth. Don't go outside when it's dark, don't run, don't get too close, don't don't don't. But that's no fun in my opinion. So it's a battle of yes and no. Or to re-phrase: a balance of yes and no. Like my parents, one different from the other. Each teaching me right and wrong and all the gray in between. I'm a lover of that grayness, the uncertainty of things sometimes. And I know she needs to understand the world of safety and caution. And I can only hope that she chooses what is best for her. What she believes is okay to do.
I've been talking to him about creating unneccary fears in Bella. Like now, when we go down to the parkade, she cries and wants to be held while we walk to the car. Victor has said to her in his deeper than deep voice "it's dangerous, the cars, so BE CAREFUL". Then upset when she starts running for the car. That loud "no!". And now, she's associated running in the parkade with the loud no of his voice. I get upset because I want that fearlessness to remain for as long as possible. And maybe because it's a quality I admire in people. Unsafe, yes. But beautiful? Yes. I want her to be cautionary, not scared of things. And so I tell her to listen for cars when we open the door to the parkade, then walk slowly. "Don't be afraid", I say.
I understand where he's coming from. Old school European roots of fear from birth. Don't go outside when it's dark, don't run, don't get too close, don't don't don't. But that's no fun in my opinion. So it's a battle of yes and no. Or to re-phrase: a balance of yes and no. Like my parents, one different from the other. Each teaching me right and wrong and all the gray in between. I'm a lover of that grayness, the uncertainty of things sometimes. And I know she needs to understand the world of safety and caution. And I can only hope that she chooses what is best for her. What she believes is okay to do.
I'm taking a legal philosophy course right now that is really making me think about the nature of humanity. The origin of the human condition. We are limitless beings, seeking our every desire. We see this in our children. But society teaches us control. And Victor and I are her society. So I need to let Victor teach her those don'ts, while I teach her that sometimes rules are okay to break. To reason. And be a reasonable person. And with the strength and flair of her personality, I think she's got it down already. With years to come of learning and growing, I can't wait to see her shine in her nature, and nurture.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Expand and Contract
Well there you go. My last post was in July. Figures as much. I was thinking yesterday that my personal tagline should be "expand and contract" or "all or nothing". Seems absolutely appropriate in light of my posting neglect.
I have had a lot going on in the last couple of months. I had a full two weeks of intense in-class coursework, piles upon piles of readings, daycare pick-ups and days of "what-the-heck-are-B-and-I-going-to-do-all-day". Meanwhile I was asked to work three days a week on contract, to which I accepted. So here I am, finally with 5 assignments out of the way and a stack of reading to do (which may or may not be neglected today); I am ready for a "me" day. Do you like the use of that semi-colon? I do too, thanks.
I may or may not update my badly neglected ipod playlists and go for a run today. I really feel like my body needs it. My body feels like it's in the "expansion" phase of expand and contract. Victor and I incidentally quit eating wheat a week ago, and we feel excellent. More clear headed and less grumpy, that's for sure. But we've since replaced wheat with things like corn tortillas, potatoes and rice. I'm not feeling like it's good for the waistline. And may or may not be good for the bowel system if you know what I mean.
The most important thing going on is that Bella is turning TWO YEARS OLD in a week and a half! It's unbelievable. Where did those two years go? So cliche, but it seems like just yesterday, she was learning to lift her little head.
Yesterday, as we were sitting at the dinner table, I asked her "did you play with Denny today at daycare?" to which she replied "no, I no play boys". Shock! She shocks me with these full sentences and thoughts. And especially her anti-boy sentiment at only two...which I had to explain to her that she should always remember to be nice (but inside kept thinking, you go girl!). Not sure if the "be nice" mantra is such a good one anyways. Truthfully, this girl is maturing way too quickly and I wish I could slow it down in someway. But that's her pace, and I have to keep up!
So her halloween extravaganza will see her suited up, baby giraffe style:
I must say, my favourite part of the day is picking my little giraffe up from daycare and seeing her smiling face and wide open arms saying "mommy". And to match, our nightime routine is up there in the top two: reading those books under a cozy blanket and "Bo", her teddy in our arms. The point where I turn off the light and we sing our song together "aruru mi nina" in Spanish. The same song my mom used to sing to me as a child. Except I changed the lyrics from "if you don't go to sleep, a coyote will eat you" to "if you don't sleep, you'll eat a piece of corn". To avoid those nightmares...am I right?
I have had a lot going on in the last couple of months. I had a full two weeks of intense in-class coursework, piles upon piles of readings, daycare pick-ups and days of "what-the-heck-are-B-and-I-going-to-do-all-day". Meanwhile I was asked to work three days a week on contract, to which I accepted. So here I am, finally with 5 assignments out of the way and a stack of reading to do (which may or may not be neglected today); I am ready for a "me" day. Do you like the use of that semi-colon? I do too, thanks.
I may or may not update my badly neglected ipod playlists and go for a run today. I really feel like my body needs it. My body feels like it's in the "expansion" phase of expand and contract. Victor and I incidentally quit eating wheat a week ago, and we feel excellent. More clear headed and less grumpy, that's for sure. But we've since replaced wheat with things like corn tortillas, potatoes and rice. I'm not feeling like it's good for the waistline. And may or may not be good for the bowel system if you know what I mean.
The most important thing going on is that Bella is turning TWO YEARS OLD in a week and a half! It's unbelievable. Where did those two years go? So cliche, but it seems like just yesterday, she was learning to lift her little head.
Yesterday, as we were sitting at the dinner table, I asked her "did you play with Denny today at daycare?" to which she replied "no, I no play boys". Shock! She shocks me with these full sentences and thoughts. And especially her anti-boy sentiment at only two...which I had to explain to her that she should always remember to be nice (but inside kept thinking, you go girl!). Not sure if the "be nice" mantra is such a good one anyways. Truthfully, this girl is maturing way too quickly and I wish I could slow it down in someway. But that's her pace, and I have to keep up!
So her halloween extravaganza will see her suited up, baby giraffe style:
I must say, my favourite part of the day is picking my little giraffe up from daycare and seeing her smiling face and wide open arms saying "mommy". And to match, our nightime routine is up there in the top two: reading those books under a cozy blanket and "Bo", her teddy in our arms. The point where I turn off the light and we sing our song together "aruru mi nina" in Spanish. The same song my mom used to sing to me as a child. Except I changed the lyrics from "if you don't go to sleep, a coyote will eat you" to "if you don't sleep, you'll eat a piece of corn". To avoid those nightmares...am I right?
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Tawit Tawoo
Oh me oh my oh. Here I am, posting from work for the first time. Typically, I don't even have time to say hello, let alone type out an entire blog post. But this summer, things are different. It's been about a week with much ado about nothing. I sit here thinking "can you spare a square?"...of work that is. And nada. So I tip-type away pretending to be busy when really I'm emailing a friend about that party on the weekend that was "off the hook" or "off the chain". I didn't really say that actually. I probably used the typical "ridiculous".
So anyways, as I sit here, checking my Aeroplan points and looking up my healthcare spending account balance, I wonder if I'm making the right decision to leave work. I've started fretting a little that we may not have enough money to pay a lease on an office space, and buy a copier, and pay for medical. This morning, Victor offered this "it costs about $6,000 a month to rent an office space on X street". WTH? Never even thought about it. The fact that I'm going to have to bring in about $10,000 a month to be comfortable? RIDICULOUS.
And so ofcourse, I'm not going to do anything about this worry but hope for the best. I mean, it's in two years time. And hopefully, when I'm off work, I can put together a stellar business plan that itemizes all these costs so nothing is a surprise.
And further to this having too much time on my hands to think, I've been getting on Victor's case a lot. Thinking of all the things that should get done, and actually saying "why the heck aren't they getting done?" Not good for the solid relationship front. Although, Victor takes it all in stride. He's a good man, my man.
And Bella, well I miss her much when I'm here with not much going on. When we could be at home together, or at the park or having a dance party in our kitchen.
Well, four hours down. Lunch time then another four to go. And only two more days of this until the weekend, hoorah!
So anyways, as I sit here, checking my Aeroplan points and looking up my healthcare spending account balance, I wonder if I'm making the right decision to leave work. I've started fretting a little that we may not have enough money to pay a lease on an office space, and buy a copier, and pay for medical. This morning, Victor offered this "it costs about $6,000 a month to rent an office space on X street". WTH? Never even thought about it. The fact that I'm going to have to bring in about $10,000 a month to be comfortable? RIDICULOUS.
And so ofcourse, I'm not going to do anything about this worry but hope for the best. I mean, it's in two years time. And hopefully, when I'm off work, I can put together a stellar business plan that itemizes all these costs so nothing is a surprise.
And further to this having too much time on my hands to think, I've been getting on Victor's case a lot. Thinking of all the things that should get done, and actually saying "why the heck aren't they getting done?" Not good for the solid relationship front. Although, Victor takes it all in stride. He's a good man, my man.
And Bella, well I miss her much when I'm here with not much going on. When we could be at home together, or at the park or having a dance party in our kitchen.
Well, four hours down. Lunch time then another four to go. And only two more days of this until the weekend, hoorah!
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Happy 134th Canada!
What a Canada Day it was. We started off at the mall of all places, where I had to return a few things. As we strolled through right at the moment of stores opening, we walked by the Apple store where a crowd had gathered. I said aloud to Victor "why the heck is that store always so packed? I don't get it? I mean, how many people on any given day can be in the market for a laptop or ipod?" Then all of a sudden, we heard a deep voice singing Canada Day. We looked in and saw that all of the staff were standing at the front of the store, singing, while a bigger dude in the middle, was leading the pack with his beautiful voice. It felt weird. I guess the anti-consumerism rants proferred on me by my dad were coming out on me. And it wasn't only me, but a handful of people in the crowd were all laughing at the ridiculousness of it. I had a good laugh to myself.
So we went about our day and made our way to H&M where further rampant consumerism ensued. I kind of love rampant consumerism right now.
After coming home for nap time, we made our way downtown, to...well honestly, to eat. The skytrain ride was a bit stressful as B is now scared of the tunnels. So we had a screaming child on our hands, who at the each stop would say to me really sincerely "I'm done mommy". It was kind of cute (not the screaming part), and we figure she needs to ride the skytrain more often to get used to it.
So we walked around the convention centre and tried ALL the food (chinese, portuguese, french, french canadian, italian). It was good times and an expanding waistline of fun. We walked a ton more and finally made it back to the stage to watch the Grapes of Wrath play a few songs. Bella was a bit tired but showed us a couple of her dance moves in the middle of the crowd. For the most part though, she protected her Dora doll from other kids who tried to snatch it.
And so that's it for now. And the diet starts today :)
So we went about our day and made our way to H&M where further rampant consumerism ensued. I kind of love rampant consumerism right now.
After coming home for nap time, we made our way downtown, to...well honestly, to eat. The skytrain ride was a bit stressful as B is now scared of the tunnels. So we had a screaming child on our hands, who at the each stop would say to me really sincerely "I'm done mommy". It was kind of cute (not the screaming part), and we figure she needs to ride the skytrain more often to get used to it.
So we walked around the convention centre and tried ALL the food (chinese, portuguese, french, french canadian, italian). It was good times and an expanding waistline of fun. We walked a ton more and finally made it back to the stage to watch the Grapes of Wrath play a few songs. Bella was a bit tired but showed us a couple of her dance moves in the middle of the crowd. For the most part though, she protected her Dora doll from other kids who tried to snatch it.
And so that's it for now. And the diet starts today :)
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Tantrums, tough times and things
Nooooooooooo mammy! NO!
That's what I've been hearing all week. It's been a symphony of no and throwing fits fit for a queen. Can't watch Dora? Screams. Don't want to eat more than two bites of toast? More screams with flying toast for further effect. I even heard the word "stupid" in the mix. And on top of it all? Her first real lie. After Victor put her to bed while I was out for dinner, B screamed "I poo poo daddy, DIAPER CHANGE". He went in to change her, and was met with a mischievous smile, and then a laugh when there was no poo to be found.
Excuse the poo talk by the way. It's just part and parcel.
We also had a few outings with screaming (and I'm talking, LOUD screaming to the point where an old lady had to cover her ears) just for fun. Like it's a game.
This whole business of testing the waters is trying on me. I'm not sure how to react. I'm a calm person, and like to use reason. But them rules don't apply anymore. The calmer I am, the more she tests my patience. The more I reason, the more unreasonable she is. And so I need to keep in mind that this is just a phase. And that we'll get through this. It's only when we're out of the house that things get really bad. So maybe we'll just stay in for the next year. But no, then she'll never know what is acceptable outside of the house and I'll have a tantrumy child on my hand for the rest of my life.
And the thing is, she's cute...and much of an angel. She's smart and advanced and sweet like candy. I love this little munchkin to the end of the world and back. So this phase? I can handle it. We just need to work together, become a team. Give her all the attention I can so we become a happy duo. I'll let her stop to pick flowers and not hurry her along so that we can make it to that birthday party on time.
And truthfully, she amazes me. I watch her with other kids and I see this young girl (no longer a baby) with as my uncle put it "enormous and exceptional self-possession". She's a leader, with immense confidence and a ridiculous sense of humour. And I want to encourage all of her amazing qualities more than anything.
On another note, I've been on vacation for the past week and have never been so busy. After 6 months with no real vacation time, I booked myself solid with things that have been left off the list. I even got voted onto a board of directors. And am now slightly wondering why I get myself into things that take time out the things I really want/need to do in life. It always seems like a good idea at the time. Does anyone else do this? Do things they really don't want to do? I'm sure a lot of people do but sometimes I feel like my whole life involves a list of commitments. When in reality, all I really want to do is spend time with friends and my immediate family. And exercise ofcourse. In an ideal world, I would go for long walks and hikes with Bella and friends, shop and lunch, cook gourmet dinners with Victor and enjoy a glass of wine at night. And ofcourse, fit work in there somewhere. I guess we all need a good balance of things we want to do and things we have to do. But I tend to do things I don't have to do, but do anyways. Something to add to the list of "things I need to work on".
Tangent: Anyone else think "things" is a funny word? I do.
That's what I've been hearing all week. It's been a symphony of no and throwing fits fit for a queen. Can't watch Dora? Screams. Don't want to eat more than two bites of toast? More screams with flying toast for further effect. I even heard the word "stupid" in the mix. And on top of it all? Her first real lie. After Victor put her to bed while I was out for dinner, B screamed "I poo poo daddy, DIAPER CHANGE". He went in to change her, and was met with a mischievous smile, and then a laugh when there was no poo to be found.
Excuse the poo talk by the way. It's just part and parcel.
We also had a few outings with screaming (and I'm talking, LOUD screaming to the point where an old lady had to cover her ears) just for fun. Like it's a game.
This whole business of testing the waters is trying on me. I'm not sure how to react. I'm a calm person, and like to use reason. But them rules don't apply anymore. The calmer I am, the more she tests my patience. The more I reason, the more unreasonable she is. And so I need to keep in mind that this is just a phase. And that we'll get through this. It's only when we're out of the house that things get really bad. So maybe we'll just stay in for the next year. But no, then she'll never know what is acceptable outside of the house and I'll have a tantrumy child on my hand for the rest of my life.
And the thing is, she's cute...and much of an angel. She's smart and advanced and sweet like candy. I love this little munchkin to the end of the world and back. So this phase? I can handle it. We just need to work together, become a team. Give her all the attention I can so we become a happy duo. I'll let her stop to pick flowers and not hurry her along so that we can make it to that birthday party on time.
And truthfully, she amazes me. I watch her with other kids and I see this young girl (no longer a baby) with as my uncle put it "enormous and exceptional self-possession". She's a leader, with immense confidence and a ridiculous sense of humour. And I want to encourage all of her amazing qualities more than anything.
 |
| Wearing an outfit picked out by none other than Queen B. |
Tangent: Anyone else think "things" is a funny word? I do.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
A Walk in the Park
Hey...ho...I'm back. Whew, this past week was kind of a rough one. I worked too much overtime and got in an argument with HR, almost died of strep throat (overdramatic, yes but the ambulance was involved at one point) and received a hefty tax bill in the mail. I've been mad face since Friday but am dealing. And as my Norwegian aunt says in a deep slavic voice "stop your complaining!" (when speaking about Canadians in general at a lunch we had recently).
I decided to deal by going shopping and buying myself a pair of badly needed shorts to enjoy this beautiful weather that we all expected to have all weekend. Unfortunately, the only glimpse of said nice weather was this evening, when B and I decided to take to the streets:
This girl is all about enjoying every single moment of life, even when life puts things up your nose. I think I'm going to take a page from her book of life and not sweat the small stuff.
We also took B to the aquarium for the first time ever on Saturday. And I must say, this girl is more interested in playing and interacting with all the people rather than really caring about the big fish. And much more interested in her goldfish crackers than the beluga whale show. She has an agenda of her own and I truly love it.
I decided to deal by going shopping and buying myself a pair of badly needed shorts to enjoy this beautiful weather that we all expected to have all weekend. Unfortunately, the only glimpse of said nice weather was this evening, when B and I decided to take to the streets:
This girl is all about enjoying every single moment of life, even when life puts things up your nose. I think I'm going to take a page from her book of life and not sweat the small stuff.
We also took B to the aquarium for the first time ever on Saturday. And I must say, this girl is more interested in playing and interacting with all the people rather than really caring about the big fish. And much more interested in her goldfish crackers than the beluga whale show. She has an agenda of her own and I truly love it.
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