January blues

I'm feeling a bit of the blues lately. Not a "no-reason" blues. My blues are always typically due to something. Some thing or lack of some thing. Right now, I'm lacking financial freedom, and confidence in my abilities to manage my schoolwork. Because I am a full-time student and mom, living in a one income family, I have little extra money in my budget for "things". Bella ofcourse is our first priority and is always dressed to the nines and we make sure she has everything she needs, such as snowsuits, and fancy boots, and hair clips and healthy snacks. Yet me, I'm worse for wear lately. I have not bought myself anything since September (it feels like...I could be wrong). My hair needs some serious curl cream, or conditioner. And not the drugstore stuff that I've become accustomed to. I've become this living breathing budget monster, who will do everything in her power to avoid straying from the spreadsheet column alloted amount. Expensive curl cream doesn't make the cut unfortunately.

School on the other hand is a little out of control this semester. My study schedule requires me to read over 200 pages (of text readable only by an ant) a day, while also managing to make some pretty decent and semi-coherent philosophical or property law ramblings for our class discussions. When in the day will my two year old allow me to read 200 pages? During the one nap a day that she takes, which lately seems more of a hope than a reality? I'm also having a hard time even understanding what I'm reading. It's taxing on the brain. Especially when sometimes, I just want to watch the Bachelor. My only time to really get down and dirty with my books is at 8pm. Problem is, shows like the Bachelor call to me...I hear "watch me, watch me in all my mind numbing goodness and glory!". And that Ben, swoon!

In addition to not having curl cream and wasting study time watching crap tv, we've had some pretty dramatic things happen to us that have set us back a little financially. After going through the tumolt of unexpected events, I ended up applying for a job on Friday, and already have an interview. And therefore, I'm debating dropping one of my courses. Seems like the right decision right now. I don't want to go through another semester of power mom, power student, power employee minus power me. I kind of want to have a little bit of breathing room to do things for myself this semester. Like put make-up on for once and maybe lace up those runners for their actual alleged purpose.

Although this week has brought a ton of upset, today was pretty awesome. We received excellent news that made us have a lengthy family hug last night. Okay, that wasn't today but it set the scene for today. We woke up with a huge weight off of our shoulders. Victor let me sleep in even though he has a pretty bad cold. We then scored major deals at the grocery store, $109 for one week people! That includes cheese and toilet paper y'all! We typically spend at least $200 a week, so that was pretty sweet. Wow, that's about it and I just realized that grocery shopping was my major excitement for the day. But I'll take anything I can get at this point since my life has become neverending books and budgets.

Oh and Bella sang us a three minute song today while playing the piano. It was insanely cute. I intended to post it but want to shorten it a bit since it tends to go on and has me (cringe) singing and my mother-in-law rambling on about wanting to learn to play the accordion when she was younger, but her mother who had a lot of money apparently wouldn't let her. Whew, take a breath! Great times.

Hopefully the next post is a little less blue and complain-y.

A cautionary tale

Sometimes I complain a lot. Or too much maybe. Today my complaint is that our place would be cleaner if it weren't for my husband. It's terrible, I know. But truthfully, that extra dish, that jacket on the chair, papers about terminal systems and collective agreements on the table, the shoes askew at the front door, the keys beside the key bowl? They wouldn't be there if it were just me and my girl. But then I think, but also, all those balanced meals wouldn't be made if it weren't for him. The garbage would remain inside rotting. That deep voice comforting me when I need it. Or just making me laugh at something silly like bum massages when I'm moodish. He sits now with Bella watching Toy Story (for the hundred billionth time) and feeding her a delicious rapini, tomato pasta made especially and with his sure hands. Laughing at the jokes in the movie when he could probably recite the movie in his sleep.

I've been talking to him about creating unneccary fears in Bella. Like now, when we go down to the parkade, she cries and wants to be held while we walk to the car. Victor has said to her in his deeper than deep voice "it's dangerous, the cars, so BE CAREFUL". Then upset when she starts running for the car. That loud "no!". And now, she's associated running in the parkade with the loud no of his voice. I get upset because I want that fearlessness to remain for as long as possible. And maybe because it's a quality I admire in people. Unsafe, yes. But beautiful? Yes. I want her to be cautionary, not scared of things. And so I tell her to listen for cars when we open the door to the parkade, then walk slowly. "Don't be afraid", I say.

I understand where he's coming from. Old school European roots of fear from birth. Don't go outside when it's dark, don't run, don't get too close, don't don't don't. But that's no fun in my opinion. So it's a battle of yes and no. Or to re-phrase: a balance of yes and no. Like my parents, one different from the other. Each teaching me right and wrong and all the gray in between. I'm a lover of that grayness, the uncertainty of things sometimes. And I know she needs to understand the world of safety and caution. And I can only hope that she chooses what is best for her. What she believes is okay to do.

I'm taking a legal philosophy course right now that is really making me think about the nature of humanity. The origin of the human condition. We are limitless beings, seeking our every desire. We see this in our children. But society teaches us control. And Victor and I are her society. So I need to let Victor teach her those don'ts, while I teach her that sometimes rules are okay to break. To reason. And be a reasonable person. And with the strength and flair of her personality, I think she's got it down already. With years to come of learning and growing, I can't wait to see her shine in her nature, and nurture.