crazytown

For those of you who don't know me in real life, my older brother is institutionalized. Yes, like in the crazy house. Yeah, it's sad and whatever, but my family has been living with it for over 15 years now so it's kind of just eh. Life happens, we deal with it.

Today was visiting day. And I have to say, it's always good times. I went up to the fourth floor and thank gawd, did not have to share the elevator with anyone. I was able to walk right into his ward without having to be buzzed in which was a pleasant surprise. Once in, I was able to spot him from a mile away. Backpack on, talking on the phone. More than likely calling me to make sure I was coming. When he saw me, he walked over and said "it looks like you're wearing a wig"...I had flat ironed my hair which he doesn't ever approve of. Then, as usual, he had a list of things for me to buy for him. A burger, chips, socks. He didn't want me to stay and told me to leave, in fact. I left with my list in hand and a promise to return next week not empty handed. Funny...he never beats around the bush and always says what he thinks.

As I left the ward, a lady walked up to me and said "nice jacket". And then as I walked out to my car, a guy sitting out on the lawn surrounded by fellow patients on a smoke pass, yelled out "Hey....you're good lookin'!". I couldn't help but smile. I laughed out loud actually. Imagine having no filter, no barrier to what you're thinking. Nothing stopping you from blurting out your thoughts. Imagine that this is exactly the difference between the mentally ill and the rest of us. I'm fully aware that there's much more to it than that but on the surface, it seems as though honesty is an indication of insanity. Wow...can I get any deeper than that?

I can. I avoid taking my brother out places because of his candor. He will tell you you're fat, too skinny, ugly, have bad hair. He'll tell you to leave if he thinks the conversation is boring. He's even been known to shout out racial slurs. It's hard to handle, this extreme honesty. Even I can't take it because in the world that I live in, honesty has its place. In his world, it's the only thing he knows. And I wonder where it came from? We were born of the same mother, raised by the same two parents with the same values and morals. We both went to peace marches as children, holding signs up written by our parents saying "US get out of Central America" or "social justice for the masses". We were both taught to say "please" and "thank you" and to use the right fork and knife. And now all of this is lost on him. He's in a world of his own where the barrier from brain to tongue is non-existent.

Yet, it's funny. Not the racial slurs ofcourse...but the outrageous things he says. He may frustrate me to no end, but when he pulls on my hair and says "take that wig off", I laugh. And when he blurts out "are you gay?" to Victor, I laugh. I just wonder how Felicia will handle him. Will she be better at dealing with him in the outside world? Will she find his ridiculous comments as funny as I do? I hope so. Because even though unintentional, he's a closet comedian. And he's my brother. And in typical brother/sister fashion, I love him and I hate him all at once.