One Year

What does a year mean? According to Wikipedia, a year is is the orbital period of the Earth moving around the Sun. Over and above the sun and orbits and stuff, a year has a pivotal impact to the grand scheme of our lives. In one year, so much can happen and sometimes it seems like things have stayed the same but in reality, and according to Buddha if you happen to follow him, we change day by day. And 365 days of change equates to a heckofalot of change. I recently re-read emails that I sent over 5 years ago and felt like I was reading someone else's email. Weird how even a short spell of our lives can result in a different voice even.

My point to all this philosophizing...well, my point is this: I feel completely different after this last year. My life has changed twenty-thousand fold. I'm actually not in a super good mood lately and feel as though my life has taken a turn away from who I truly am. I mean, I could argue that who I truly am is not a constant. I am variable (according to that wise old Buddha fella). But it's a serious feeling not to be ignored. I've heard from other mom's that maternity leave and having a child does that to you but I never thought it would happen to me.

As I run errands lately, I see 20 somethings prancing around in their skinny jeans and boots, with the new legwarmers that I had no idea was a new thing. The beautiful hair and make-up. And I wonder, when did I become the sweats and runners, frizzy hair headband wearing mom? Well, last year to be exact.

This brings me to the point of my disconcern. I've spent a great deal of time this past year looking after the centre of my life. The centre of my life with the name Bella who is turning one in two days (go Bella! It's your birthday! Have a party!). Throughout this past year, I've gone from putting "Me" first to putting me in the backseat. And it's been a constant struggle, sort of a battle of "shotgun" with myself.

Having a child who is slightly amazing, or grossly amazing, has made me feel more with my heart. Has made me take pleasure in the little things in life and not get so wrapped up in "what to wear, what to eat, what to say". I'm just being. And unfortunately, that is not who I am. I am a "wear the right clothes, eat the right food, say the right thing" kind of person (or at least I think of myself that way). Unfortunately, this equates to "wear whatever (food stains? who cares!), eat whatever, say whatever" which in essence means "do not take care of yourself".

I've become a mom who dresses her daughter to the nines and then wears "whatever". And for the most part, it hasn't bothered me until lately. Because I've seen those moms, in the skinny jeans and boots...and leg warmers even! With the kids dressed to the nines. And I say to myself, if they can do it, so can I. It's just a matter of committing myself and making time for me.

This post was originally supposed to be about Bella but I've been in this horrible mood lately so had to let out a little of the dialogue in my head...blog therapy I guess. It feels good to let it out on the page before you.

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In other news, Bella is turning ONE tomorrow! It feels like just yesterday she was the size of a peanut, nestled in the crook of my arm. And now she's grown not only in size but in mind...she's a smart cookie who is already fighting for her independence from me. I can imagine how she'll be at 15.

Go away mom!

I've spent the last few days getting ready for her party...and now it's a cooking fiesta in our house, as we make a feast for her entourage. We can't wait to dress up in our halloween costumes and get down to the Monster Mash and Purple People Eater. Oh and I found Fresh Princes "Nightmare on My Street", which will be one of my favourites to shake this bootie to.

I've made a handful of "pet ghosts" for the bigger kids to carry around at the party. Should be fun times with all the cheesetastic decorations and truckloads of candy to hyper up the kidlets!

Stay tuned for an update on her birthday!