How do I feel...

About church. Growing up with a catholic mother and an atheist father, I've always been a bit confused about religion. Sort of middle of the road, ambiguous...je ne sais quoi. The trinity and resurrection on the one hand and the practicality of evolution on the other.

My dad used to take my brother and I on long hikes as kids. We'd stop for lunch or the like and he'd unharness his rock pick (as a geologist, a must-have) and pick away at rocks of interest. I would say "Dad, if you don't believe in God, then what do you believe in?". And he'd say "I believe in this" holding up a rock, steady and sure in his hands. His beliefs weren't popular with my friends. "The world formed from a rock" I used to say.


"And it didn't happen in 7 days" I added. Then we'd go on to play after a bit of "No, God made the world".

I would go to church with my mom and get bored. I would keep myself busy by counting hats or black shoes. Stand up, sit down, kneel, stand up again. Those tight white mary janes always itchy and scabby after. After mass, I would run through the back hallways with other kids and play tag or hide n' seek or kick the can, while my mom had tea and cookies with friends in one of the backrooms. The priest was always funny.

And so I began to question religion. And continue to do so despite feeling a sort of beauty in it. Faith. Unquestioned and certain. Spirituality having your back forever.

Yesterday, my mom convinced me to bring Bella to the Anglican/Catholic church. Bella was to be presented to the church in a "presentacion" (said quickly and beautifully in Spanish). We went up to the front of the church, Bella in my arms and my parents at my sides (yes, my dad goes to church once in a while in support of my mom). The priest blessed Bella after reading a psalm in Spanish. La bendicion. Afterwards, my moms friends were there taking pictures and fawning over Bella and it felt good. The community of church. Everyone friendly and mingling, smiling and in good nature in the basement of the church. Tea and cookies and friendly conversation. Bella started to cry when she was placed in one too many strangers arms and so we left after thanking the priest.

And so now I begin the process of deciding whether to have Bella baptized. Some say "why not?" and other say "why?". And I am stuck in the middle. Leaning more towards the why not, I think of community and friends, togetherness and faith in life and others. The spirit having her back forever. And that's a good thing.